An Open Letter To Anxiety

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Dear Anxiety,

Last Time:

I know we spoke recently but I wanted to get in touch about our relationship and let you know about some changes that have happened.

Our last interaction ended badly.

For me at least, I’m not sure how it left you feeling.

I know I shouldn’t have shouted and told you to fuck off.

It’s just I didn’t want your opinion again, you kept handing me things when my arms were by my side and my hands were closed.

I am trying to be more present, everything you do is more future based.

You keep pulling me away from what I want.


Negative:

Did anyone ever tell you that you are extremely negative?

I mean most of the stuff you predicted, never happened.

It reminds me of what Mark Twain said;

I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened. – Mark Twain

Was that your work?

Speaking of poor predictions; are you involved in the weather forecasts?

What else do you have a hand in?

Things are always good until you show up.

I think we have very different beliefs and values.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about you and analyse your behaviour.

Here are my initial thoughts.

 

A Realisation:

You keep showing up when you aren’t wanted.

You must like attention and yes I have given you plenty.

You have hurt me more than you have helped me.

But you already knew this.

That time I was out with friends and things were going well, I was enjoying myself, then you told me I should be somewhere else and that I needed to leave.

I trusted you and all the stories you told me were complete bullshit.

You made me feel bad again.

I should have stayed.

You are distracting me from what I am trying to be.

You are draining me, this can’t go on.

 

Changing:

The last while I’ve made a lot of changes in my life, they tell me it’s called personal work.

I’m not sure if that’s the best name for it, what I am sure of is that it’s difficult.

Lots of meditation, walking, questions, thinking, writing and the likes.

Lots of doing little, as I once viewed lots and little.

In meditation, they keep telling me to notice when you come into the equation and label you for what you are.

You’re actually mentioned a lot.

How many people are you affecting?

I thought labelling was bad but they are a spiritual teacher so I’m going to trust them.

 

The Past:

Now that I mention trust, I used to give you a lot of it.

You offered advice on what to do and by doing it you kept me safe.

We’ve known each other for as long as I can remember.

You always said that you will keep me out of trouble and help me.

Why is it I don’t have any good memories of us together?

They are all negative.

Like the time I was about to go out and meet that friend, you told me it’s better to stay at home, you told me it was safer.

I listened to you and sat at home, feeling bad and not knowing what was happening.

Or the time I was about to talk to that girl at the bar, you told me to stay put and quiet.

I’m not sure how you put it, I had a few drinks on me but it created fear that left me standing there; you have a way with words.

I didn’t get the shift that night.

 

New Perspective:

Speaking about shifts, my perspective on you has shifted.

All this work I’ve been doing has given me a lot of new information about you.

Things are starting to make sense.

My current view is that the point of life is about being present, here in the now is how they put it.

I even heard someone say;

Everything you ever wanted is right in front of you in this moment.

I am trying to let that sink in, right now I want another coffee but my mug is empty.

Maybe everything, apart from more coffee.

Sorry, I get sidetracked a lot….anything got to do with you?

Are you still there?

I am getting to the point.

 

Questions:

I have some questions for you…..a lot actually.

I’ll stick with the most important ones for now.

You’re not protecting me at all, are you?

You’re only in it for you.

When I have looked deeply into it I can see a pattern in your behaviour.

I can see your biggest fear.

It’s death.

Am I right?

Of all the things you want to stop, you picked the thing you can’t.

I see why you’re anxious.

 

What Is Time For?

You seem to think that life is about extending time.

What do you want to do with it?

You seem so time focused that you miss what you want to do with it.

My old way of thinking was that extending life was the objective.

Immortality even seemed appealing.

Then something changed, I realised that extending time is not the point.

I’m going to go a bit out there for a minute, you know me.

Einstein said that everything is relative.

Time included.

Time is relative to experience.

60 seconds in cold water feels like 10 minutes.

10 minutes of chatting with a friend feels like 60 seconds.

In that sense, time is not the ultimate measurement.

The only variant is that word feels.

Or rather an experience.

Time allows us to have experiences. 

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. – Mae West


Friends No More:

I don’t want more time, I want more experiences.

Experiences that carry risk and uncertainty.

It seems your sole purpose is to stop that from happening.

What we want are in complete opposition.

I think you can see why we can’t be friends anymore.

You don’t care about the quality of life.

You’re pretty mixed up.

What’s the real risk for you?

I think it’s losing me.

The only way you exist is when I hand you my energy.

Your only experience of presence is through me.

You’re nothing without me and I’m everything without you.

 

Taking Back Power:

Every time I act according to what you say I hand over my power.

They say that once you see something in a different light that it’s impossible to unsee it.

I am beginning to see you for what you really are.

You know it too, that’s why you’ve shown up more lately, why you have been louder and more destructive.

I’m holding onto my power.

You tricked me into thinking it was yours, it was mine all along.

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. – Alice Walker

Like any breakup, this is the handing back of the belongings.

 

Goodbye For Now:

I know you will always be knocking about, you’re persistent and determined.

You will trick me again, causing me to act out of fear, I’m not underestimating you.

It’s just now I realise I have the power, I will try to act more often from that place.

Having a greater awareness of what you feel like, what you are trying to do and what you feed on is one of the most important discoveries for me.

When I notice you, I might wave and say hello, I will not be as open to give you my energy.

No hard feelings, it’s just that things have changed and you didn’t.

 

The Future:

Let’s talk in future terms so it will be clearer for you, I know you live for it.

Maybe someday, you will shift your perspective on what life is for.

The possibility of seeing that everything is rooted here and then you cannot unsee it.

If you do I will lift my arms from my side and open my hands out to you.

We can embrace, then merge and I’ll show you everything.

 

PS: Until Then

 

Rumour has it that you are creating a lot of suffering for people.

Telling them to act or not act and hiding behind the commands.

Some don’t realise your agenda, they can’t see the line between you and them.

Just like you have done to me so many times.

That’s pretty shitty out of you.

While you remain hiding, afraid and feeding off that fear;

I will be here telling people the truth about you and how to take back their power.

It’s my job.

Again no hard feelings, I don’t mind you being stuck in your ways.

I do mind when it creates suffering for others.

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